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I'm hanging on.  I'm holding to the past.

I'm trying to recover things long gone.

Back when I was fit and fast and healthy and bikes were the center of my life.

Those days are gone.

Accept it.

The bike doesn't define you now and it didn't define you then.

I started writing about bikes a long time ago when racing and training and fitness mattered a lot more than it does now.  

Those things don't matter all that much anymore.  I don't particularly care about riding anywhere but in the dirt.  Road bikes don't interest me much anymore.

Time to move on.  Time to stop judging today based on what I used to be.  Those days are gone.  They're over.

And so is this blog.

As it turns out...

...I'm not a prolific writer. 

Decent writer, yes.  Maybe even good at times,  But prolific?  Nope.

I go thru spells.  Manic writer?  Perhaps.

These days I just don't have much to say.  I have my thoughts and opinions on many things but I'm not always interested in sharing.  I suppose I could.  But I won't.

I still haven't been able to get into a rhythm of riding this year.  Very weird.  I want to, that's for sure.  I hate being fat and out of shape.  But something is holding me back.  I feel...tired, bored, almost indifferent as if I need a drastic change of scenery, of venue.

Maybe I'll move to the mountains.  Buy some land and live in this:

Or this:

Both are excellent options.  Some insulation and a wood burning stove and I'm good to go. 

Though I don't like going outside to take a dump.  I'll need a composting toilet.  A big one because I don't want to empty that bastard every week.

And I'll need a power option.  A few solar panels and some batteries should do the trick.  Just enough power for the beer fridge and a bare bulb where I'll sit and write angry letters to the government.

Or maybe not.  I don't really have that much to say.

It would be nice

What about the case where someone has lost something and is actively trying to recover what was lost?  When that person asks for a little more time or a little more patience or a little more understanding that his fucking shoulder still fucking hurts...is he asking for too much?  Is he?  Should he lie, pretend that nothing is wrong and try to ingratiate the people around him?

Or what about when he comes up short when attempting something that before surgery he could have done with no issues at all?  When he has to step away and clear his mind and deal with physical pain that feels like the days right after surgery, is it OK for people to look at him as if he's being a pussy and perhaps even angrily approach him to reprimand his decision to step away, gather his thoughts, and rest?  Is it OK to judge that person because he's done something that interfered with your plans?

......

Look, just because I appear to be 100%, the reality is that I'm not even close to 100%.  Yet, because there's the visual perception of me being OK, sometimes people feel justified in criticizing or judging me when I can't do something, when I have to make a decision to stop doing something because I'm hurting.  As if somehow I'm making an excuse to stop in the middle of something enjoyable in order to wallow in self pity.

Understand that while I am indeed on the mend, I am not whole.  I still hurt both mentally and physically.  Maybe you think I should be further along than I am or that I should just suck it up and act as if nothing is wrong?

Oh, I'll get over the harsh words and dirty looks.  I'll even forgive.  No sense carrying around the baggage of animosity, right?   But will I forget?

Not anytime soon.

Fifa > gym

Today I finally made it back to the gym.  Well, technically it was PT with weights.  And the weights weren't so much 'weight' as the were 'things only slightly heavier than my hand'.  First time I've done  anything with weights in about 4 months.  No wonder my right arm feels like an overcooked noodle.  Suffice to say, I'm tired.  Funny how not doing anything active for 4 months can take such a toll on your body.

Now you're probably saying to yourself "Yeah, but you played a lot of Fifa so your thumbs were active".  And that's true: my thumbs were active this entire time.  So I'm not totally out of shape.  I still have my thumb fitness.

(actual picture of the author)

In fact, my thumbs are in such good shape that, no matter how tired my arm is, my thumbs are only getting warmed up.  Looks like a Fifa marathon tonight.

Don't be active. It's bad for your health.

Most people think that being active is good for them.  Go out, sweat for a while, feel a rush of endorphins, and after a few months your heart rate is a bit lower and you've lost a few pounds.

This is not how it works for me.

My recent activities have resulted in shoulder injuries, surgery, and now an ankle injury that makes me walk like a pimp.

Winter Park.  On a catwalk to Vasquez ridge.  Nothing wrong with my skis, nothing wrong with my bindings ...*SMACK*... on the deck before I could react.

My right binding hadn't locked properly and it let go on a flat section sending the ski into my left leg and sending my right foot straight into the ground.  I got up and realized immediately that something was very wrong.  Over to the warming hut where I pulled off my boot and checked my foot.  Definitely time to call it a day.  Too bad I'm over at Vasquez and my car is over at Mary Jane.  That means at least 2 or 3 more runs to get to the car.

By the time I got to the car, changed out of my ski gear, my right foot and ankle weren't moving and my left leg was cut and bruised.  By the time I got home, I couldn't put any pressure on my right foot and even made an aborted attempt to go to the urgent care center.

The past few evenings have been filled with sitting on the couch with ice packs tied to my ankle.  The previous several months were spent avoiding any exertion until I was cleared to do so.  I'd like to be fit again.  But all these attempts to do so are just making me less fit. 

Maybe I'll enroll in culinary school with a concentration on beer and pizza.

How I ride an indoor trainer

There are a few steps I like to follow when I ride the indoor trainer.

1. set the bike in front of the TV (1 minute)
2. search for remote (5 minutes)
3. find something interesting to watch (2-5 minutes)
4. put on bike shoes ( <1 minute)
5. remove bike shoes( <1 minute)
6. find and put on bike shorts (3 minutes)
7. put bike shoes back on (<1 minute)
8. clip in and start pedaling (10 minutes)
9. unclip and find remote because chose show is boring (<1 minute)
10. clip in, start pedaling, and attempt to find new show (5 minutes)
11. keep pedaling, go back to original show, and resume watching (15 minutes)

Congratulations!  My 30 minute ride is over and it only took me 45 minutes to complete!

The week in review

Over the past week many some things have happened.  Let's start with skiing on Sunday.

By now you'd think I would know better than to go skiing on a long weekend.  Even going late in the day provides no relief from the Jerry congestion on every run.  Honestly, if you're just going to stand around, why waste money on a lift ticket?

One run in particular looked exactly like this.

Next morning bright and early, it was time to get stretched out in a well intentioned but somewhat over-eager attempt to heal my shoulder and arm in the shortest time possible.  Is it working?  Who the fuck knows.  All I know is that I can now reach the shower head with my right hand without thinking about it.  I guess that's progress.

Tuesday was another trip to the physical therapist and this time it hurt.  Different routine and definitely premature.  Wednesday resulted in significant swelling to my shoulder and arm; my first actual setback.  Solution?  Ice and oxy.

Thursday came and went with me making amends for my nasty Wednesday temperament and attitude by leaving work early, going to another PT session, and swinging by the florist for some apology flowers for my girlfriend.  She puts up with a lot of shit from me and to her great credit, has never once laid a beating on me.

Which brings me to today.  Friday.  At lunchtime, another trip to get stretched out.  And tonight, some time on the indoor trainer while I watch the first half of rugby game and pretend that my low gear pedaling is sending me up a mountain pass at tremendous speed.

The target

When I had surgery, the doctors said after 3 months + 2 weeks, I would no longer need to take any meds.

Add in a few days for the meds to completely clear my system and that makes April 6 the target date.

"Target date for what", you ask?

For my first night out drinking beer with my friends in over 4 months.

It's going to be wonderful!  Guinness

and whiskey.

April 6.  You're invited.  Venue to be decided.  Hopefully there's a soccer game on so we can get started early!

Snail

I once had to solve a math problem where a snail would climb 5 feet up a 10 foot pole during the day but slide back down the pole by 3 feet during the night. 

Yesterday afternoon, my arm and hand felt good, looked good, and I was certain slow but steady recovery was being made.  Five feet upward!

And this morning, three feet backward, just like the snail.

Maybe it's because I ate too much sugar.  Sugar is my kryptonite, I can hardly resist it and when I do succumb, I eat enough to make Oompa Loompas turn away in disgust.

Perhaps I slid backward because I didn't sleep well.  It took me a long time to get to sleep and then I was awakened by my girlfriend and it took even longer to get back to sleep after that.  At one point during the night, I woke up with my fingers tingling and my mind racing that I'd somehow hurt myself again.

If I was training for cyclocross season or for a MTB event, I'd be perfectly OK with the ebb and flow of effort and recovery.  Being tired or sore from training or from a crash are things I'm familiar with.  Being tired, sore, stiff, swollen, and numb 3 weeks after surgery are things I am definitely NOT familiar with.

Sure, the doctors said I should expect the swelling to persist for a few months.  Yes, they also said that the nerve recovery will take even longer.  I know these things.  I'm doing what I've been told to do, following the doctors orders.  Isn't there something else I could do to reach the top of the pole a little faster?  Or am I stuck at snail pace, moving forward and sliding backward, with very little control over the progress?

Ahh...yes...words of wisdom from a snail wearing a bike helmet.  Somehow, it all makes sense now.  :D

Get back to work!!!

Monday I go back to work.  It's been long enough, I suppose.  I liked the time off, even if it was imposed rather than voluntary.  Doctors said I could start working out again (thus all the posts about riding) and to me, that means I can also go back to work.  Jockeying a desk is a lot less physically demanding than it sounds.  

I'll get back into the swing of things and life will return to a more financially lucrative mode but I suspect my Fifa 19 skills will rapidly erode.  That makes me sad.

Life is returning to it's normal patterns again.  Vacation mode is over for now.  Until Italy, that is (that's called foreshadowing).

Like a Lord of the Rings marathon

Trilogies take a long time to finish. You get deeply immersed in them and when they are over, you feel exhausted rather than inspired especially if the trilogy you were watching was Lord of the Rings which lasts longer than The Tour de France. 

Yesterday was step 3 of 3 in the "fix" portion of my recovery. At this point, everything that can be done has been done (with the exception of one nuclear option). Am I relieved that everything is done? Yes. Yes I am. More than I can describe. But the process was exhausting, not just for me but for my friends and family, too. Reaching the end, the finish line, after being immersed so deeply and for so long in something overwhelmingly difficult doesn't give me a feeling of success or victory. Instead of a sense of accomplishment, I only feel relief. No sense of victory, just a sense of survival. No feeling of "woohoo!!!", just a sense of "thank God its over". 

Just like when I once watched the LOTR trilogy back-to-back-to-back. Exactly the same as that. 

But, here's the good part: I get to write the next trilogy, I get to define the next finish lines. Goals of 'survival' are replaced with goals of 'success'. Suffering thru the pain of uncertainty and doubt are replaced with suffering up mountain trails and strained muscles. No more crawling across the finish line battered and broken; only crossing that line with my hands in the air and a smile on my face. 

With any luck, the next trilogy won't take as long as a LOTR marathon.

Out of the woods

Here's the situation: I had cycling and other physical activities taken away from me. No riding, no gym, no exertion of any sort. The underlying reasons were life-changing and life-threatening. I spent a few months dealing with the mental and physical pain of finding a solution to the problem, implementing that solution, and recovering both my mind and body. 

And though recovery continues, today I rode for the first time in 3 months. Nothing fancy, just 15 minutes on the trainer. Small gear, spinning, and watching a show. Broke a sweat in the cold basement because I'm too heavy and have lost all of my fitness. I was concerned that my arm and hand wouldn't cooperate and I'd have to stop. Instead...everything worked. The bike fit as it always has and after a couple of minutes, tentative, staccato pedaling smoothed into a familiar cadence and 15 minutes went by in a flash. 

Euphoria. 

This must be the feeling that cyclists or other athletes have when they start again after serious injury. The sensations of focus, exertion, sweating, and feeling your body react to the effort. It's invigorating, intoxicating, even better than the meds I've been on and those are excellent. :D 

That was as memorable a ride as I've ever had and I've had some great ones. I feel that I'm out of the woods and if I squint, I can almost make out a light at the end of the trail. Almost. There are still a few more visits to doctors and there might be issues that crop up. It's possible. But, today I proved I can still ride. Today I proved I can still enjoy the bike. God willing, the rest of my recovery goes smoothly and as planned and by summer I'll be fitter, lighter, and enjoying the feeling of being on the bike while riding my favorite trails or commuting to work. 

I'm going to see how many days I get on the bike this year. I'm aiming for 250 days, even if a ride is only 15 minutes on the trainer. I simply want to be on two wheels, get my fitness back so I can ride with my friends, feel physically whole, and once again feel connected to something that has energized me in one way or another for my entire life.

One of my most memorable rides of all time.

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